Over the course of a whole year and three days, I’ve experienced many things. Not that comparable to others, but personally, every single moment mattered a lot.
I learned how to drive, frequented bus rides, registered to learning sessions, braved discussions to let my voice be heard, and many other things. To put things simply, I became a lot more independent.
People around me call it #adulting101. You pay the bills, budget your money, man a department, so on and so forth and truthfully, it is. We realize then that this is a part of growing up, right?
Now, more often than out, I’ve been called out as ‘too kiddie’. I cannot say it’s childish but people called out my being free-spirited. I’ve heard many times lines like, “Is that how you behave?”, “Why are you like that?”, “You should not be behaving like that.”, and many other lines.
I think I believe those statements too. I sometimes sing random Japanese and Korean songs on the streets even so when I have the extreme urge to sing. I dance randomly and out of nowhere. I frequently have weird facial expressions from camera shots.
When those moments collide, I feel a teeny weeny twitch of pain in my heart that I struggle to ignore.
Thoughts like, “Did I mess up?”, “Should I change my ways?”, “What do they think of me?” and candidly speaking, it wrecks the whole course of my train of thought.
Yet there is this impulse. That no matter what, it’s okay. That things will get better. That it’s okay even if you are on your 26th, 27th, and whatever age you reach.
As long as I remain my faith to Him, as I constantly be there for other people even if they forget about me, as I never ever plant the pains inflicted by others, as I continually forgive, and as long as I battle the negatives especially the ones inside me.
I think, I think it’s still okay.
At night time, it becomes extremely severe. My thoughts are at a high time. My fingers twitch as I crave for a blank word document or a pen and paper. It never ceases.
I need to write or my thoughts will metaphorically explode.
It actually is weird. In all aspects of my self, it’s stable.
I have a warm, loving family, cuddly and supportive friends, a stable life.
Yet somewhere I feel like I’m drowning not even waiting for something or someone to help me back up.
I am afraid, honestly. Sometimes, the feeling envelopes my entire being, swallowing me whole, nowhere to escape.
I manage to get out somehow.
I’m extremely emotional and highly sensitive. This isn’t noticeable because these feelings create internal turmoils not external. This creates the rainstorms seemingly incapable of stopping and the rain clouds loom over for a long, long, long period of time.
I try to make it to a point that it looks sunny somehow.
I sometimes miss and hopes someone notices but it’s always the opposite.
This is where the melancholia strikes.
I’m writing this as I reach another human year to remind myself that whatever harmful I’m thinking against my self, I must strivingly battle it.
I do not know why but as I persevered to reach out, I felt out of place. As I initiated to listen to stories of others, my mind slowly created a notion that even if I disappear, they’ll be okay. These are some of the things I fight for days.
I’ve reached twenty-five years full of sunny and rainy days. Now, I’m stepping onto another adventure and it sure is scary but more thrilling.
I look forward to more experiences and to more memories.
It may have looked disturbing or alarming, but this isn’t. This is just my way of remembering how I fought against drowning. This is just my way of thanking Him for letting me realize how precious this life is and for giving me the utmost desire to inspire and influence and be of aid to the needy. This time, I am focused towards this one goal.
I’ll continually fight against the looming darkness. I’ll continually battle the void. I will continually focus on completing the pieces of self of the people I encounter. And of course, this free-spirited self will also continue.
It is okay.
Let’s start today.