I stare at the computer screen and my mind is blank.
Still, I start to type and let everything out of the tank.
It’s funny because I get pretty much affected by what I read.
Like that one article which made me write this in need.
There is no such thing as being blocked, it wrote.
This instantly became both a physical and mental note.
So I knew that this is a way to relieve anxiety.
Which is to write and write and write continuously.
THE WRONGNESS I SEE IN ME
I get compulsions often. At first, there’s definitely denial and I found the habit really comical. Until such time when I grew tired, and all my life paths became wired.
I try to act courageous. Yet fear starts to become ferocious. It destroys everything inside but does not get noticed because it hides. Fear destroys self-esteem and my smile beams.
Anxiety is what constitutes me. I think about breaking rules and being free. However, worries consume me. This is because I am afraid of what others may see.
Redundancy exhausts my entire being. But all the more to this I cling. It is because I am too scared of everything. That I will be caught and sentenced for my wrongdoing.
This is me.
I am the most content when solitude becomes an everyday reward.
Do not be mistaken. I enjoy the company of others. However, the thoughts which piles up every single day hits me at the end of each day and I just want to lay down in my bed, close my eyes, and contemplate on my never-ending thoughts.
I am the happiest seeing others gain a step toward fulfillment.
Pressure comes to me at different times. It makes me confused who I really was, who I really am, and who I really want to be. The pressure gets me agitated, changes my moods in an instant, and makes me become a random perfectionist and I know at the back of my head that I need to control these because they will consume me. This is why I gain more contentment seeing others overshadow me and let me do the background checking.
Paranoia inhabits my mind. It partners with fear and pressure. I practice cutting this off a number of times already. I feel like I am failing but I still continue striving.
This is me.
“I bought a plate years ago, ceramic and brand new. At first, I enjoyed my Disney ones and used the flowery ones more. Until such time I started to grow fond of the ceramic, brand new plate I named, ‘Fragile’. It became a plate for my everything- my favorite dishes, the ones I started to create, the new recipes, the ones given to me, the foods I bought, and everything else. In other words, with regard to eating, Fragile became my life. However, there became a time when I started to forget the foods served on Fragile. Some became spoiled and thrown away and some were given to others. If Fragile was human, I absolutely thought that it must have been tired and its patience may have been growing thin. Once it fell yet luckily obtained only scratches. There were chipped out parts but it never broke. This became a realization.
One must never ever let a plate break.“